things have changed for me and that's okay

2010 has been awesome for the most part. it went tremendously quickly but at the same time i suppose a lot of significant things happened and yeah.

i did a lil' bit of detective work and found my new years post from last year and i thought i'd do a dandy little bit of reflection. yee ha

1. exercise. for real. not my current kind where i do a couple of sit-ups and then get bored and eat mnm's instead.
2. courage. this year is going to be based on intuition and instincts. i am going to live in the moment, every moment.spontaneity is my new philosophy
3. appreciation. i have this awful habit of taking the greatest things in my life -*cough* friends cough*- for granted. from now on i am doing my part.
4. love. general love for all i guess. except those freaking iris birds with the sword things coming out of their face. i always feel like they'll peck out my eyes and proceed by stealing my food. joy.
5. memories. if everything goes to plan, 2010 will be the year of making memories unlike any other

- grace 31st december 2009

oh hey i didn't go too badly!

maybe.. well whatever lets see

1. i kept the exercise thing up for a while i suppose..like a couple of months and then i got bored and decided to live instead of wasting my time. yeah that went to shit because now i'm just unhealthy and self-loathing. MAYBE something to work on

2. hey i did that pretty well! i had a lot more fun this year because i made decisions based on what i really wanted and it was sweet. definitely a change for the better

3. wweeell i tried my best. i know i took things for granted less and like had a lot more appreciation for those around me but i just have to work on outwardly communicating that.

4. i think i did alright. by observing conflict around me, i learnt this year more than ever that there is no point in argument and hatred and stuff. i can't really deal with it, i end up going crazy. so like yeah i'll spread the love and stuff!

5. memories. well yeah i'm not gonna lie there were heaps and stuff. it was the most memorable year so far i suppose. OH HERE I'M GOING TO RE-CAP PURELY FOR MY OWN ENJOYMENT.

in no order:

• i went skydiving
• i lived in new zealand for 6 weeks
• i had a stranger living with me for 6 weeks
• i performed in a musical
• i made friends with and dated someone lovely
• things happened to make me realise he wasn't so lovely
• i made new friends
• i made a tumblr
• i made memories and a ridiculous amount of photos with those i adore
• i joined a band. it failed.
• i joined another band.
• wabonga
• my parents got separated.
• green day, vampire weekend, jack johnson
• more photos
• i made teacher friends!
• i learnt to juggle
• i learnt to say the alphabet backwards super quickly
• i made pasta at least once a week
• i learnt that i'd spelt 'definitely' wrong my whole life
• i did alright and stuff!

and yeah so it was cool and all but there is stuff i want to change and am determined to actually stick to these things. i clumsily wrote a list last night at approximately 12:47 on my phone so now i will kindly copy it here

• eat no chocolate, chocolate based products, anything involving cocoa solids
• make more friends outside school. that includes cultured people i wouldn't usually be meeting. (eg an elderly person)
• go to the city more. because melbourne is fun. yay!
• get a job. because i'm lazy and need money
• save money. see above
• take photos. and also print heaps out! i've decided to utilise photo albums more often and stuff so i can keep photos forever and be all reminiscent and such when i'm elderly
• get the band off the ground. because we're amazing and soon things will happen and stuff
• get awesome grades. i'm going to own year ten in the face
• wear glasses. i don't wear my glasses because i think i look stupid but i've come to realise i look worse walking around squinting at things and asking others to read the bus numbers out for me
• be spontaneous. because it's fun. what of it?
• get and stay fit. needs to be done
• read about stuff. and become super knowledgeable and such
• learn to cook difficult meals. as to expand my cooking skills past cookies and pasta
• have an awesome year. yeeah and stuff

so yeah there you go

i guess i'll do the same thing next year?

if i'm keeping up this piece-o-shit blog still

i have to go pack a bag and clean my room

dandy

just

dandy

PEACE

+ i want to become friends with the demon girl

because otherwise i'm afraid i will die

cools. i love camille !

resolutions to be posted later tonight

this party will be shit

everything i said in that last blog is true

except the fact that i love you
i have decided i just wish i did
or something
i don't know
insanity is a strange thing

Today turned to shit then didn't it.
Here I am watching skins and doing fuck all when suddenly I'm like wow. All that happened made me so angry and so sad for so long and now I've had time to think about it and bloody fucking hell. I hate myself..... But I still love you
That's so fucking great isn't it, so flipping fantastic
What are you left with? A scot free conscience, more self confidence, a seemingly loyal and naive female friend and happiness. What do I have? A hatred for my body, a lack of trust, little self respect, a synical view of relationships, mascara stains on all my pillow cases and a whole bucket of confusion.
I thought I was over this
But the stories I heard yesterday.. I just wanted to hear them the same way as everyone else. I just want to go back to when i thought the world of you. When I thought id finally done something right.
Fuck
Someone help

in retrospect my last two blogs were too positive and both started with 'i love' or 'i like'

grr grr grr global warming

i like nice phonecalls

ALSO today i plan on making mix cd's for the sole reason that i have like no cd's ever

yeah cool good plan

i love some things

i love how friendly our year level is

i love how cool our generation is

today is a lazy day

i feel nice

my phone is working! give a cheer

today was enjoyable

vinyls, a disposable camera, scientology brainwashing, strange chicken, arcade games

mm camille and alo are nice

+ bus with daniel + seeing alex for 5 minutes were pleasant too i suppose

and yeah

cbf with details and comments

bye

what the fuck is this shit

there's weird trippy noises in the back of 'these days' by powderfinger that i never noticed before

it sounds like aliens landing

what the fuck

i thought i saw your face today
but i just turned my head away
your face against the trees
but i just see the memories
as they come
as they come

and i couldn't help but fall in love again
no i couldn't help but fall in love again

you are actually making this so difficult like wow.

in other news

city today!

wweeeeww!!!!1!!~~~~~~

yeah whatever i have been reclusive for too long

must clean house

must make house presentable

must stay neat

must hide valubles

must sell stuff

must choose what i really love and don't love

must pretend i know what i'm doing

must not have time for fun

a bit delayed but here it is!

i had such a spectacular two days i cannot begin to describe

mm there are some people that i just love

(ie. frani and camille)

.. for a second writing that i thought my name was camille and i was like lolz why did i write my own name

but it's not

so it's fine

anyway they may be a little emoooo~~~~~~~~~ but you know i'm cool with that.

we took lovely photos and sang lovely songs and it was just lovely

i also realised my dog is way cooler than previously thought

AS WELL AS SOME OTHER STRANGE EPIPHANIES

such as the following:

jesus is a yes man

the yes man is jim carrey

jim carrey is also bruce almighty

bruce almighty is god

god is the father of jesus

OEWUISYUKHFAIEWJR

so yeah pretty much an intense couple of days (:

sidenote: i need to improve my vocabulary. i

n particular adjectives to replace 'lovely'

deeply shallow thinking

sweetness sweetness i was only joking

when I said I'd like to

smash every tooth in your head

oh i'm so confused and nothing

it's like you know that thing

where you feel like shit, or you're scared or something and you can think of that one person and you immediately feel so much better? or like when someone asks you who you like and your mind shoots to that one individual and suddenly you know?

well at the moment it's like

that space is blank

and it weirds me out

like i don't know

i suppose it's good to be independent (wow i'm a douche) for a while but i don't know i can't help feeling kind of lonely. consistently.

but yeah like i don't know

that probably didn't make sense.

jesus my blog is a piece of crap

music

the main thing is

i can't understand

i just can't understand what was going through your head

or what wasn't?

ie. why i wasn't

i just

this hurts so badly

it just hurts

my everything feels so empty

and shattered

and fragile

and lonely

how did you manage

to not think about

what this would mean for me

if i found out

no no

when i found out

fucking hell i hate you

i hate anyone

that makes me cry

you are scum

you can fucking die

i have never been this angry

tumblr pull yourself together

emmanuel

:)

1 and 1 and 1 makes 3

tonight was surprisingly fun

i bought a giant teddy and an inappropriate belly button ring for miss lillie

and harry potter had me crying

over dobby

... and hedwig

mm maybe things will be okay?

it's always a possibility

except one thing

i miss you more than words can explain