things have changed for me and that's okay

2010 has been awesome for the most part. it went tremendously quickly but at the same time i suppose a lot of significant things happened and yeah.

i did a lil' bit of detective work and found my new years post from last year and i thought i'd do a dandy little bit of reflection. yee ha

1. exercise. for real. not my current kind where i do a couple of sit-ups and then get bored and eat mnm's instead.
2. courage. this year is going to be based on intuition and instincts. i am going to live in the moment, every moment.spontaneity is my new philosophy
3. appreciation. i have this awful habit of taking the greatest things in my life -*cough* friends cough*- for granted. from now on i am doing my part.
4. love. general love for all i guess. except those freaking iris birds with the sword things coming out of their face. i always feel like they'll peck out my eyes and proceed by stealing my food. joy.
5. memories. if everything goes to plan, 2010 will be the year of making memories unlike any other

- grace 31st december 2009

oh hey i didn't go too badly!

maybe.. well whatever lets see

1. i kept the exercise thing up for a while i suppose..like a couple of months and then i got bored and decided to live instead of wasting my time. yeah that went to shit because now i'm just unhealthy and self-loathing. MAYBE something to work on

2. hey i did that pretty well! i had a lot more fun this year because i made decisions based on what i really wanted and it was sweet. definitely a change for the better

3. wweeell i tried my best. i know i took things for granted less and like had a lot more appreciation for those around me but i just have to work on outwardly communicating that.

4. i think i did alright. by observing conflict around me, i learnt this year more than ever that there is no point in argument and hatred and stuff. i can't really deal with it, i end up going crazy. so like yeah i'll spread the love and stuff!

5. memories. well yeah i'm not gonna lie there were heaps and stuff. it was the most memorable year so far i suppose. OH HERE I'M GOING TO RE-CAP PURELY FOR MY OWN ENJOYMENT.

in no order:

• i went skydiving
• i lived in new zealand for 6 weeks
• i had a stranger living with me for 6 weeks
• i performed in a musical
• i made friends with and dated someone lovely
• things happened to make me realise he wasn't so lovely
• i made new friends
• i made a tumblr
• i made memories and a ridiculous amount of photos with those i adore
• i joined a band. it failed.
• i joined another band.
• wabonga
• my parents got separated.
• green day, vampire weekend, jack johnson
• more photos
• i made teacher friends!
• i learnt to juggle
• i learnt to say the alphabet backwards super quickly
• i made pasta at least once a week
• i learnt that i'd spelt 'definitely' wrong my whole life
• i did alright and stuff!

and yeah so it was cool and all but there is stuff i want to change and am determined to actually stick to these things. i clumsily wrote a list last night at approximately 12:47 on my phone so now i will kindly copy it here

• eat no chocolate, chocolate based products, anything involving cocoa solids
• make more friends outside school. that includes cultured people i wouldn't usually be meeting. (eg an elderly person)
• go to the city more. because melbourne is fun. yay!
• get a job. because i'm lazy and need money
• save money. see above
• take photos. and also print heaps out! i've decided to utilise photo albums more often and stuff so i can keep photos forever and be all reminiscent and such when i'm elderly
• get the band off the ground. because we're amazing and soon things will happen and stuff
• get awesome grades. i'm going to own year ten in the face
• wear glasses. i don't wear my glasses because i think i look stupid but i've come to realise i look worse walking around squinting at things and asking others to read the bus numbers out for me
• be spontaneous. because it's fun. what of it?
• get and stay fit. needs to be done
• read about stuff. and become super knowledgeable and such
• learn to cook difficult meals. as to expand my cooking skills past cookies and pasta
• have an awesome year. yeeah and stuff

so yeah there you go

i guess i'll do the same thing next year?

if i'm keeping up this piece-o-shit blog still

i have to go pack a bag and clean my room

dandy

just

dandy

PEACE

+ i want to become friends with the demon girl

because otherwise i'm afraid i will die

cools. i love camille !

resolutions to be posted later tonight

this party will be shit

everything i said in that last blog is true

except the fact that i love you
i have decided i just wish i did
or something
i don't know
insanity is a strange thing

Today turned to shit then didn't it.
Here I am watching skins and doing fuck all when suddenly I'm like wow. All that happened made me so angry and so sad for so long and now I've had time to think about it and bloody fucking hell. I hate myself..... But I still love you
That's so fucking great isn't it, so flipping fantastic
What are you left with? A scot free conscience, more self confidence, a seemingly loyal and naive female friend and happiness. What do I have? A hatred for my body, a lack of trust, little self respect, a synical view of relationships, mascara stains on all my pillow cases and a whole bucket of confusion.
I thought I was over this
But the stories I heard yesterday.. I just wanted to hear them the same way as everyone else. I just want to go back to when i thought the world of you. When I thought id finally done something right.
Fuck
Someone help

in retrospect my last two blogs were too positive and both started with 'i love' or 'i like'

grr grr grr global warming

i like nice phonecalls

ALSO today i plan on making mix cd's for the sole reason that i have like no cd's ever

yeah cool good plan

i love some things

i love how friendly our year level is

i love how cool our generation is

today is a lazy day

i feel nice

my phone is working! give a cheer

today was enjoyable

vinyls, a disposable camera, scientology brainwashing, strange chicken, arcade games

mm camille and alo are nice

+ bus with daniel + seeing alex for 5 minutes were pleasant too i suppose

and yeah

cbf with details and comments

bye

what the fuck is this shit

there's weird trippy noises in the back of 'these days' by powderfinger that i never noticed before

it sounds like aliens landing

what the fuck

i thought i saw your face today
but i just turned my head away
your face against the trees
but i just see the memories
as they come
as they come

and i couldn't help but fall in love again
no i couldn't help but fall in love again

you are actually making this so difficult like wow.

in other news

city today!

wweeeeww!!!!1!!~~~~~~

yeah whatever i have been reclusive for too long

must clean house

must make house presentable

must stay neat

must hide valubles

must sell stuff

must choose what i really love and don't love

must pretend i know what i'm doing

must not have time for fun

a bit delayed but here it is!

i had such a spectacular two days i cannot begin to describe

mm there are some people that i just love

(ie. frani and camille)

.. for a second writing that i thought my name was camille and i was like lolz why did i write my own name

but it's not

so it's fine

anyway they may be a little emoooo~~~~~~~~~ but you know i'm cool with that.

we took lovely photos and sang lovely songs and it was just lovely

i also realised my dog is way cooler than previously thought

AS WELL AS SOME OTHER STRANGE EPIPHANIES

such as the following:

jesus is a yes man

the yes man is jim carrey

jim carrey is also bruce almighty

bruce almighty is god

god is the father of jesus

OEWUISYUKHFAIEWJR

so yeah pretty much an intense couple of days (:

sidenote: i need to improve my vocabulary. i

n particular adjectives to replace 'lovely'

deeply shallow thinking

sweetness sweetness i was only joking

when I said I'd like to

smash every tooth in your head

oh i'm so confused and nothing

it's like you know that thing

where you feel like shit, or you're scared or something and you can think of that one person and you immediately feel so much better? or like when someone asks you who you like and your mind shoots to that one individual and suddenly you know?

well at the moment it's like

that space is blank

and it weirds me out

like i don't know

i suppose it's good to be independent (wow i'm a douche) for a while but i don't know i can't help feeling kind of lonely. consistently.

but yeah like i don't know

that probably didn't make sense.

jesus my blog is a piece of crap

music

the main thing is

i can't understand

i just can't understand what was going through your head

or what wasn't?

ie. why i wasn't

i just

this hurts so badly

it just hurts

my everything feels so empty

and shattered

and fragile

and lonely

how did you manage

to not think about

what this would mean for me

if i found out

no no

when i found out

fucking hell i hate you

i hate anyone

that makes me cry

you are scum

you can fucking die

i have never been this angry

tumblr pull yourself together

emmanuel

:)

1 and 1 and 1 makes 3

tonight was surprisingly fun

i bought a giant teddy and an inappropriate belly button ring for miss lillie

and harry potter had me crying

over dobby

... and hedwig

mm maybe things will be okay?

it's always a possibility

except one thing

i miss you more than words can explain

this blog has gone to shit

i'm so fucking lonelay

i just sit there and stare

i am a fucking empty hollow peice of crap version of what i used to be

you sucked the life out of me

go to hell

באַקומען די באַרען אויס פון מיין הויז און באַקומען די באַרען צוריק צו דיין אייגן פאַקט אַרויף מדינה. איך ב איבער דעם און איך 'ב איבער איר. איר מאַכן מיר ווילן צו מעסטן מיין אויגן אויס. באַרען זיך זוינע

adam is so tenacious

let's wock and woll wabbits!

wabonga oh my god aowiefhuisha

i'm a little tired and unable to word my love of wabonga

awful singing and near death experiences - it's almost as good as honey mustard and sweet chilli

mrs awesome && ninja jules

oh but getting home was so amazing

you know what

cbs typing

i love everything

afesnuiseuwrhnjfekifbhuejskfiuewa

ps.

i like you a lot

let's go fly a kite

urban was fun

yesterday was fun

i'm so sick

ajeinfhsugbaj

plzignore

the second time around

it's just the greatest when you realise that this has happened before

submission

we're not alright

overreaction

that was stupid

it doesn't mean anything

but then neither does what i thought i felt

so i guess we're alright

don't i just love being over-dramatic

i'm going to be quiet now.

i spent three days planning what i was going to say

i was so excited

but now i can throw my hypothetical fucking piece of fucking paper in the fucking bin

it could have been anybody

but it had to be her

i just love being a genius
no school for me, suckers

to do list for today:
write a letter and scan it so it can be printed and given to the intended recipient
write some stories (new zealand and george harrison)
do some of an assignment (any book will do)
finish a prac report and email the teacher about the test (powerhouse)
study a lot and email the teacher about missing the exam (french)
do some revision for exam (maths)

OH HOORAY that does look fun
now back to bed
bye bye bye

and you

you can fuck off

do not read this.

every time i think i'm getting good at something

it fails

every time i actually put my heart into something

it fails

every time i begin to make an effort

i can't keep it up and

it fails

there's actually nothing i can do right

and there's never been a time where i've hated myself so much

fucking hell i'm so over this all

i'm so so so over trying to be enthused about things i don't give a shit about

fuck

i'm

so

over this

on top of that i have a french exam

on top of that i can't get over this one certain boy

on top of that i have to act civil or everything will get fucked

fuck

fuck

fuck

do they not have pen and paper where you are?

things are just breezy

i want someone to hug all the time :)

in east camberwell the people are crazy

k-a-l-e-i-d-o-s-c-o-p-e

i'm in love with the idea of infatuation

i am not skinny enough

today i had a conversation about blogging

and how i tumblr when i'm feeling creative

but i blog when i'm feeling depressed

and that's why all my recent blogs are just rambles of a temporarily sad kid

so i suppose i apologise for that

but then again it's my blog so y'all can suck it.

i wanna be a millionaire some day

and know what it feels like to give it away

today i researched george harrison and practiced french verbs. you'd have thought i'd be feeling better than yesterday but that's where the twist comes in.

hi

i care what people think

and i voice it

hi

i don't know what i'm doing most of the time

and i hate it

i don't like how i am or how i look

all of the time

and i hate it

i feel myself using people or lying occasionally and i just despise it

i hate that i can't think of things to say

and i can't motivate myself to do anything

and i hate

that i'm complaining right now

because it's all i ever do

but whatever

life can suck me

i'm tired.

bloggin iz 4 da n00bz

jokes i'm just jealous of the kids who can still think of things to say.

i have the following:

• a pocket full of sunshine
• an old cd player on repeat
• two amazing freshly baked cakes
• a lot of phlegm and some clogged up sinuses
• four more vinyls than i had 2 days ago
• a whole chunk of confusion
• a substantial amount of homework
• a really terrible headache
• a mother bringing me back lunch now

bye.

i love: 1. this girl 2. feeling pretty

i'm so fucking sad
i miss everything
and i can't do a goddamn thing about it
and i'm just
fuck
and
fuck
and i don't know what to do

and i've gotten myself into shit
and i'm just tired
and
sad

fuck.

look i don't want to like you as a friend
but i have to
because you're so cute

but i don't want to like you... because i'm not done being mad.
BUT THE THING IS i have no right to be mad
you didn't do anything...except stay in my heart for way too long.
effing eff i don't want to feel like this anymore

i just
fuck.

steak sauce

i hate blogging because i can never think of what to say.

kay well

i don't really remember writing that last post...so ignore that
BUT RIGHT NOW
I AM WRITING GOODBYE LETTERS
AND STRUGGLING BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY...AWKS


i had best be getting back to that one
adieu

home time soon
ready to collapse
and smile and wear my big jumpers and sleep in the sun
because it doesn't rain at home

and it's 12:11 anad i need some sleep
and i don't know what's going on

all i know is tha24t i love you

i'm an old fashioned girl

i like vintage stuff and being indie

calm your noodle

and shut up.

what the frick

i miss you all so much it hurts
i am so jealous it hurts

i'm the luckiest girl in the universe

my friends are the greatest. never in my life will i be able to find people this great. i just need them to know how much i love them and will love them forever. oh wow i'm speechless.

i want to go home

this post was originally going to be like
i hate fighting. everyone get along blahblahblah

but then you went and said that and i cried harder than i knew i could and realised how easily things could repeat themselves. why do i feel so hurt?

this is fucking stupid.

get out of my head while i'm trying to move on.

it's been too long for me to still feel this way

i'm not reaaally in the mood for blogging
i'm not reeaaaallllyyy in the mood for anything
i just want to go read more harry potter and sleep.
and get healthy. at the same time.

and i want to just photograph the world truthfully so everyone gets an actual goddamn sense of perspective for once

not that i can talk

not that i can ever talk

but whatever.
suck me.

good one, derek

knock knock knocking on heaven's door

you know i believe and how

i'll do my challegne blog later btw. i'm not forgetting about it

and wow i wrote those blogs last night minutes before i went to sleep and i can't actually remember putting thought into them.
i love them because they don't make sense


I MISS YOU
i miss you all
i want to see you
i want to be home
but also not really at all

cool. have to get back to scary movie. byes.

why?

why do i miss you? why do i care?
why are you always smiling? why are you always there?
why do you cope so much better? why can't i win?
why have i forgotten how to act normally? why is this like the beginning?
why can't i forget?
why can't i move away from you?
why are you so cute
all
the
time?

i fought the law...the law won

the way it think about it,


life and stuff is like a massive amount of recipes. they say everything happens for a reason and to every action their is an equal and opposite reaction. i like to think of every little thing you do as leading you on a certain path to somewhere. so if i was to wake up early and then read, would i have a different day to if i woke up late?



every day you follow, break and create new recipes. and you recieve the outcomes whether you like it or not.

yeah i thought it was interesting

i can't bring myself

to write the truth

what would you do if i sang out of tune

THIS IS A GOOD MORNING

but you don't really care for music

today was awful
awful awful awful

ohana

i woke up to the sound of half my life leaving
and i couldn't get back to sleep
it was then i realised everything was to be the same
and sleep is more important.
not more important than you,
just more important than you leaving me

i have to try harder in maths class
because you can no longer help me at home
and i have to try my best in vis com
because i know it will make you proud
and i need to but don't want to try harder at home
because someone has to help fill the shell that you're leaving behind

they said it was harder on you than me
and i can't correct them because i'm not sure
but at the moment it feels as if it's impossible
so i'm sorry about that one.

please stop pushing me
there's always so much to do everywhere
and i've reached a point where doing so much is bringing me down
and i'm able to do even less
that's not what you want.

just give ma a break and give me some freedom
because i swear i'm just going to vomit on your faces.
and that's the nicest way i can put it right now

because today i decided my entire future

*one person

i'm bored of the other for tonight

i hate people

except for two. i like two people.

http://chineseteahouse.tumblr.com/

my favourite days

• 14th february
• 11th december
• 4th may
• 25th december

it's a funny feeling

being in this standstill

my shoes make me appear taller

day number 1 extremely successful

iloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyou

Cold water for a straight jacket case

Just role the cameras and I swear I'll be ok

Now 3, 2, 1, this is daily news and breaking

By a show of hands, who else in here is faking?

acquisition

happiness - the weepies
it'll hopefully make you shut the fuck up and realise what's important.

"it's not simply people splitting into opinionated sectors, it's insanity becoming contagious"

bang bang shoot shoot

when i hold you in my arms

and i feel my finger on your trigger

i know nobody can do me no harm

because happiness is a warm gun

frani is my life

fecking feck

so impossibly angry at myself.

i don't actually deserve.. anything.

simply

pathetic

wrap your arms around me until your knuckles are burning white

yeah

jusque

aids will be one of my largest hates always. this is because freddy mercury is one of my largest loves.

people are just the best, aren't they?

you are the most annoying kid to ever exist and i hate you times a hundred...

it's funny because i'm kidding and you're super cool... sometimes... or something

and you earned that dollar D:

the piano is why i like the cab

the cab is why i want to be in a band

out of key

lions make you brave. giants give you faith. death is a charade.you don’t have to feel safe to feel

in case you want to be cool like me:

lions - the lights

australia - the shins

we stopped checking for monsters under our beds, when we realized they were inside of us

hot tears

i feel positively sick.

inhabitants

why this thought
suddenly came
into my head,
i'm actually not
sure. i really
don't like it. and
i hope it'll either
pass or result
in me being
happier.


also why was
everything funny
today? that was
strange.


out of control
- capital lights

addicted to milk

my hand hurts.... and so does my wall

i've come to the conclusion that this is just a sick way of proving that they can still enforce rules even if they're separating

i will never get sick of this

afterthought

i also love the little mermaid

devastation

today i had the worst realisation of my life

it suddenly occurred to me that no matter what, it's not possible to ever experience nine o'clock in the afternoon.
nine in the afternoon - panic! at the disco

JT

PDA - interpol

i'm in a really old place at the moment

very how you say 'delicate'

this is all surreal.

it's the best

send me on my way - rusted root

31

because soon i'll be gone and you'll forget.

because i used to love things easily











because i don't like who i see in the mirror





because soon everything will be good again and i know it

through glass - stone sour

some things don't have words

you seem to be quite awesome the majority of the time. you also own a 64 which earns you lots of points. however, you are too tall for my liking

relationships are more confusing than i remember them being. why am i so awful at this stuff?

people are not really so bad. i wish i knew more of them though, and i will soon :)

real world - the all american rejects

hey so yeah

inexplicably happy and ready for a new beginning

not that i don't like what i'm leaving behind

but you know.

my inspiration is back

come fly with me

i really do miss you

benny and the jets - elton john

adventure desk

the processing speed of a segway's motor is 20 times faster than the human brain .

hallelujia (2010 version) - kd lang

sour milk

constant disappointment and longing

talk to me.

i will - the beatles

call me crazy

• hugs that go for more than seven seconds
• missing someone so badly it hurts
• smiling eye contact with perfect strangers

walk you home (this day) - horrorshow

buddies

sometimes i love you kids

but the absence of a few people made me sad

come home missus. even though i won't be there.

i'm so happy

simply because i love love.

sometimes - chipmunk

something else i love

brad pitt in thelma and louise
like, fwoar.

quick and to the pointless - queens of the stoneage

you stopped the blood and made my head soft

loves:

1. my family


2. my coat that i haven't bought yet


3. who i'm going to be after the holidays

sewn - the feeling

today's the day the teddy bears have their picnic

we are birds - brighten

in lieu of the innuendo in the end know my intent though

i am so boring.

however, that movie just about made my life





not even jail - interpol

dead poet´s society

so freaking over the sound of my own voice
or the sound of my own thoughts.
tomorrow, i´m changing for the worse.

some people need to stop complaining about how bad their lives are because it makes them look pathetic and that is the honest to god truth. you do things so people will pity you and it works... but perhaps not in the way you had planned.
grow a pair.

i was wondering about questions and i thought that maybe as you grew older your head becomes less full of questions, and more full of answers. i then came to the conclusion that the day i run out of questions is the day i die.

you know that feeling that when you´re scared or alone and what helps you and cheers you up is the thought of one certain person? well this feeling identifies exactly how much that certain person means to me. which is a hell of a lot.

holidays are what life are supposed to be like all the time.

waste of paint - bright eyes

non-sensical

how am i supposed to believe that it´s possible to love someone forever?

dark blue - jack´s mannequin

tell me do you stand by your man

calm your nerves now

don't worry, just breathe

are you sure now?

don't bother packing, let's just leave

said they wanted change

i hope that you remain the same

to show that this is not a game

let's end this tragedy today

now take my hand and we will run away

down to this place that I know

how did this night become the enemy?

it's over, it's over, it's over

oh em eff gee

27th of June 2010.

definately the weirdest day of my entire life.

i'm fairly sure i'm in a state of shock.. but i can't be sure... because i'm too shocked to tell

la fin d'une famille

vacances

1. erase sleep debt
2. find unfound music
3. continue being in love

money for nothing

to one person: she doesn't know what she's missing. you deserve the world

to another: you are my everything, christopher robin

to another: i miss you so terribly

to another: i'm not even sure how you know me so well

to another: you still know how to make me laugh. and distract me from work. i hope you don't get hit too hard, that may be a shame.

and to one final kid:

you don't even know the extent of your brilliancy. have i mentioned i love you?

insert comma

and i know, and i know
it just doesn't feel like a night out with no one sizing you up
i've never been so surreptitious
so, of course, i'll be distracted when i spike the punch

why can't i be not me?

i love hate double negatives

him

okay so according to a few people this post is long overdue
he is all things amazing

gigs

thieves

i'm not sad
i'm just
nothing
because everything
is so much
to handle
when i'm not
not sad

if you understand, raise your hand. welcome to life in my band.

occupation

bonkers

we're spectacular kids